Interview with The Wrangler
("Click Here for a Full-Sized Image")
Reporter: "How does it feel
to be selected as the Wrangler of the Year?"
Wrangler: "Uhhhhh..."
Reporter: "There's no need
to be shy, Mr. Wrangler. Just pretend that those Video Recorders and Cameras
are somewhere else. This interview will be painless. I promise."
Wrangler: "Uhhhhh... I don't
feel good."
Reporter: "OK, let's make this easy. Tell us
about yourself. Where were you born? Tell us about your parents, and your
childhood."
Wrangler: "Well - my full
name is Wrangler Santos. My Mom is named Lieutenant Joe Santos. My Dad is
Captain Mike Dennis, but he and my Mom never married. I was born in a
factory, but I was delivered by the UPS man. I was already huge when I was
born, so I never had a childhood."
Reporter: "I don't
understand... Where do you live now?"
Wrangler: "In a cardboard
box."
Reporter: "Yikes!"
Wrangler: "No... you don't
understand. I'm not complaining. I'm proud of myself. I am the Wrangler. Not
"A" Wrangler - I am "T-H-E" Wrangler! OK, here's the deal. One day, my Mom
called my Dad and said, "I have a great idea!"
"My Dad said, "Well, it's about time. What's the idea?""
"My Mom said, "We need a mascot for our Company. You
know, something that everyone can associate with the Sierra Vista Company of
the Arizona Rangers."
"My Dad got excited. "What a great idea! We can buy a
Lion, or a Tiger, or a Unicorn; or something cool like that!"
"My Mom, always practical, said, "Nah. We don't want to
clean up any poop. We don't need a live animal. I think we should get a
mascot suit. You know, kinda like McGruff the Crime Dog, or the San Diego
Chicken, or something like that."
"Things got hot then. My Dad said, "That is the number
one stupidest idea I've ever heard, Joe. Get lost. I have to go do some
Commandering."
Reporter: "Oh, dear!"
Wrangler: "Well,
then my Mom said, "OK, Captain. From now on, you can can take your own
Minutes and send in your own (late) Company Reports!"
"Joe: I love your idea! How do we
make it happen?" asked my Dad, miraculously attracted to Mom's idea.
Reporter:
"So, what happened then?"
Wrangler: "Then,
my Mom and Dad went out and got a bunch of donations to buy me. When I
arrived in Sierra Vista, the first person I saw was Joe. That's why I call
him my Mom. Like a duck you know. The first thing you see is your Mom. I'm
glad that Joe is my Mom though, because my he has a sexy moustache like
mine. My Dad has a beard that looks like it has termites in it. I wouldn't
like it if he were my Mom."
"Anyway, since then, life
has been a blast. I come out of my box whenever my Dad can coerce someone
into wearing me. Most of the time, he has to do it. But, we have lots of
fun! The kids love me! Well, some babies cry when they see me. But, they cry
if they see my Mom or Dad, too!"
Reporter:
"What kind of stuff do you do?"
Wrangler:
"Well, I walk in parades. I go to Safety Fairs
at schools. I went to the Women's Professional Rodeo. I set a World's Record
on the mechanical bull. I go everywhere with Miss Sierra Vista. I slap
Arizona Rangers badge stickers on everyone I see. I meet lots of people and
tell 'em all about how great the Arizona Rangers are. I'm about the best
Public Relations guy you could find. I humbly admit it: I deserve to be the
Wrangler of the Year."
"Hey, this is a lot of fun.
Hey, Bubba... make sure you get the badge in the picture, OK? Here, Miss,
let me hold the microphone. Now, tell me, why is a nice girl like you a
Reporter? What's your sign? How would you like to go to Ajo?"
Reporter:
"Help!"
Ranger OIC:
"It's OK, Miss. It's the heat. It gets to be over 130 degrees inside that
suit. We'll put him back in his box. Hey, does anyone have any OC spray?"
Sierra
Vista Company
